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Jun. 16th, 2010 05:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sweety8587I just don't get me at times...or a lot of times these days. Its like being in a constant state of flux between two states at the same time that's driving me nuts. I love and hate it that I'm more or less done with my studies. I dunno what the future holds and that scares me shitless. I want to work, I don't want to work. My friends are searching for jobs and some of my juniors are too and they have such amazing offers that I feel like an utterly incompetent and lazy ass in comparison. We went to someone's house the other day and their daughter (who is bout 1.5 years younger than me) was just....an amazing gal to be true. But I felt more and more like shit the more she talked.
Not that I need anyone else help these days to feel like shit though. My best friend who I adored since when I was 11 more or less got committed to the girl he loves and I'm frankly stumped that he doesn't get how much it hurts me. And he knows that I loved him but still he calls and asks me for my prayers and blessings. And I do wish for his every happiness but the day he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her...I couldn't stop myself from crying and you know what I hate? I don't know WHY I kept crying. I thought I was over him....or maybe I'm sad that I'm loosing my best friend? *sighs*
I hate the envy and bitterness I feel towards some of the girls in my (ex)class. Yes they're really pretty and they get the guys attention and they're smart and the logical part of me knows that they must study hard as well to get the grades that they get but damn it all to hell...I still feel bitter whenever I see them. One of them got an awesome job and while I do commend her for a job well done, a part of me thinks "Oh the perks of being pretty." and I HATE myself for thinking that. What the hell is wrong with my stupid self that I'm sinking to such low and petty thoughts?
Upon conversing with my sir about my general mental state of affairs, I agreed with him when he said that though I act like I dont want compliments...I do. I ACT like I'm happy being single but I want to have someone who'll love me and me back...and that I have very low self-esteem and that I need to validate myself. But I keep asking myself "How? How can I validate myself when every day my own self-respect falls down another few inches?" I don't listen when my oldest and bestest friends tell me "No you're not as crappy a friend as you say you are." because I'm like "No...I AM a crappy friend no matter what you say." Of all the places for the Taurean stubbornness to come into play....
I hate that I keep bottling up whatever I really wanna say. Else I'd have a much more honest relationship with my family and my friends. Or well not my friends cause I'm honest enough with them. I hate this society in which I live in. Sure we're supposed to respect and love our parents but damn it all, there are times I want to cry and just scream at my parents for not seeing that I'm feeling like shit because of them. Mom, GET OFF my case about how I look! The MORE you say "you're gaining weight." the more i feel like shit. Dad, for the love of Pete, stop benchmarking my grades to others. I know I'm not an honor roll student or anywhere near that so please just....stop. Just please stop pushing me because I'm not going where YOU want me to go. You are just pushing me down into the ground.
I want help and I don't want help. I want someone to notice me and I don't want anyone to see me. I want someone...anyone to read this and I don't want even a single person to read this. Damn the stupid duality of man's nature that makes me want to just rip out my own nervous system.
Not that I need anyone else help these days to feel like shit though. My best friend who I adored since when I was 11 more or less got committed to the girl he loves and I'm frankly stumped that he doesn't get how much it hurts me. And he knows that I loved him but still he calls and asks me for my prayers and blessings. And I do wish for his every happiness but the day he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her...I couldn't stop myself from crying and you know what I hate? I don't know WHY I kept crying. I thought I was over him....or maybe I'm sad that I'm loosing my best friend? *sighs*
I hate the envy and bitterness I feel towards some of the girls in my (ex)class. Yes they're really pretty and they get the guys attention and they're smart and the logical part of me knows that they must study hard as well to get the grades that they get but damn it all to hell...I still feel bitter whenever I see them. One of them got an awesome job and while I do commend her for a job well done, a part of me thinks "Oh the perks of being pretty." and I HATE myself for thinking that. What the hell is wrong with my stupid self that I'm sinking to such low and petty thoughts?
Upon conversing with my sir about my general mental state of affairs, I agreed with him when he said that though I act like I dont want compliments...I do. I ACT like I'm happy being single but I want to have someone who'll love me and me back...and that I have very low self-esteem and that I need to validate myself. But I keep asking myself "How? How can I validate myself when every day my own self-respect falls down another few inches?" I don't listen when my oldest and bestest friends tell me "No you're not as crappy a friend as you say you are." because I'm like "No...I AM a crappy friend no matter what you say." Of all the places for the Taurean stubbornness to come into play....
I hate that I keep bottling up whatever I really wanna say. Else I'd have a much more honest relationship with my family and my friends. Or well not my friends cause I'm honest enough with them. I hate this society in which I live in. Sure we're supposed to respect and love our parents but damn it all, there are times I want to cry and just scream at my parents for not seeing that I'm feeling like shit because of them. Mom, GET OFF my case about how I look! The MORE you say "you're gaining weight." the more i feel like shit. Dad, for the love of Pete, stop benchmarking my grades to others. I know I'm not an honor roll student or anywhere near that so please just....stop. Just please stop pushing me because I'm not going where YOU want me to go. You are just pushing me down into the ground.
I want help and I don't want help. I want someone to notice me and I don't want anyone to see me. I want someone...anyone to read this and I don't want even a single person to read this. Damn the stupid duality of man's nature that makes me want to just rip out my own nervous system.
