sweety8587 | Twilight Chapter 01 snarking/sporking

I was reading

amyrat151s commentary on Twilight and couldn't help my own comments.

Starting from the beginning, book text in bold. Commentary in normal format.

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me.
Hun, if you don't start breathing you'll be doing the hunter's job for him. Pleasantly? He's here to kill her. Wrong word choice me thinks.

My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.
Wait I'm sorry....wearing a certain shirt is like a .... farewell gesture? Me thinks the backstory is missing here as to WHY its a farewell gesture. Either way, its a tad batty. And WHAT 17 year old takes only a frikkin PARKA as the only carry-on item?! Ipod? books? SOMETHING to pass the time during a long ass flight?!

It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old.
Escaped? From what? Was the father hitting her? Domestic violence? Prison? Throw me a bone here Meyers!

It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the year I finally put my foot down; these past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead.

It was to Forks that I now exiled myself— an action that I took with great horror.
wait wait wait *rubs forehead* One chapter into this damn thing and im gettin a headache already...first off, <i>exiled</i>? wth? If you don't even like the place then WHY on God's green Earth are going there? And again, compelled? Wouldn't 'forced' have been the better word there?

My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines. I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes. How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself?

Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…
I don't know about you but that is EXACTLY how i feel when I leave my mother alone...cause you know, shes NOT as experienced as me and doesn't know how to take care of herself *snorts and rolls eyes* I'm feelin the respect here from Bella to her mum.

Charlie was waiting for me with the cruiser. This I was expecting, too. Charlie is Police Chief Swan to the good people of Forks. My primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of my funds, was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Nothing slows down traffic like a cop.
Isn't this kinda discriminatory against cops? They can't have regular cars like regular people? tsk tsk tsk.

Charlie gave me an awkward, one-armed hug when I stumbled my way off the plane and fell smack on my face and got run over by an oncoming bus. The End. I WISH!

Charlie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.
He's the father right? Then WHY do i feel like he's a puppy looking at his master and thinking "Do i get a treat for this huh huh huh?" Gadzooks. Just put your foot down man! Tell her "I got you the God damned car that you wanted and if you dont like it, then you can WALK around town and thats final."

We exchanged a few more comments on the weather, which was wet, and that was pretty much it for Conversation. We stared out the windows in silence. It was beautiful, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.
Am....I the only one who got a fit of the giggles when she read this paragraph?

It was too green — an alien planet.
....wait....what? 0o

It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape. I wasn't in the mood to go on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.
*takes a deep breath and lets it out* AH! I LOVE the smell of teenage WANGST in the morning! Really gets me up and going. All thats left is for her to blast Linkin Park on her stereo and to start cutting herself....

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere.
Pardon my ignorance but....do girls from Phoenix look different from other girls? They have three legs? Four eyes? One breast? What?

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine.I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.
*blinks* Wait...that....doesn't process in my head. How come she's not got a horrible case of sunburns? Cause don't pale people burn easily? And slender yet soft? Makes me think that shes made of putty and has semblance of curves. And man...isn't she like really ugly? Dark hair, pale skin, dark eyes, slender yet soft....YUP. REALLY NOT PRETTY!

Maybe the truth was that I didn't relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page.
Wangst wangst wangst. WE GET IT ALREADY. You don't like how you look, you dont like coming to Forks or Fork's PERIOD, you don't like the new car you got ~~ungrateful brat~~ ,you're anti-social. HOW are you not a goth or an emo punk is a tad beyond me...

I didn't want to be too early to school, but I couldn't stay in the house anymore. I donned my jacket — which had the feel of a biohazard suit — and headed out into the rain.
Regular ball of positivity and sunshine this one...WHY would you wanna buy a jacket that feels like a biohazard suit? 0o ~~unless you're into that kinda feeling~~

Where was the feel of the institution? I wondered nostalgically. Where were the chain-link fences, the metal detectors?
*eyebrow raised to the sky* I'm sorry...but is she now bitching bout the fact that her school seems safe?

"I'm Isabella Swan," I informed her, and saw the immediate awareness light her eyes. I was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt. Daughter of the Chief's flighty ex-wife, come home at last.
Awkward word usage is awkward....I'm starting to think that this one *taps the speshul snowflake* thinks just a bit too highly of herself. I was a transfer student MANY a time. Shifted schools more times than I can properly remember and I never thought such junk. Then again, I'm not Bella Swan ~~THANK GOD FOR SMALL MIRACLES!~~

I kept my face pulled back into my hood as I walked to the sidewalk, crowded with teenagers. My plain black jacket didn't stand out, I noticed with relief.
..... I got nothing......a plain black jacket. Oh how nondescript!

I tried holding my breath as I followed two unisex raincoats through the door.
AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!! The raincoats are moving on their own! Did i wander into the Bedknobs and Broomsticks fandom?! ~~Stupid joke sorry. Can't resist it when inanimate objects apparently move on their own~~

They were two girls, one a porcelain-colored blonde, the other also pale, with light brown hair. At least my skin wouldn't be a standout here.
Excuse me... *headdesks* OH YES! Pale skin ALWAYS stands out when you're a CAUCASIAN in America. And WTF is a porcelain-colored blonde? Does her hair have the same color as a jug?!